Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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