wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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