I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
