She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
