i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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