That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
