I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
