ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She's the barista slut.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
