Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
