My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
