Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
