You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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