In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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