Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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