Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
