my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
