So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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