I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Drunk is not a location!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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