honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
