apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
