i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
