Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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