oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
