Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
