96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
