I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
