We named our party play list daddy issues
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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