Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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