I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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