His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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