Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
