Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
