i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
