i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
