he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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