theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
