my shit smells like andre
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
