and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You are the jesus of drinking
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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