My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
