My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
