Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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