Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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