i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
