I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
