I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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