Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
