Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
