I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
