I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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