I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
