if i can run in heels then i can drive
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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