Say something about gay babies.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
