She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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